


Touches of the Heart by babs

by babs



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-23
Updated: 2011-04-23
Packaged: 2017-10-18 13:31:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/189376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babs/pseuds/babs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Why do we always wait to say the words we need to say?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Touches of the Heart by babs

"Hey, get a look at that view." Daniel turned his gaze in the direction Jack indicated. Their trip to P5T-221 was almost as good as a vacation to some tropical beach on Earth and the natives didn't believe in swimsuits.

Daniel forced a smile to his face and then nodded. He closed his eyes, trying to concentrate on the cool evening breeze that was fanning him as he stood on the balcony beside Jack. Jack's arm was against his, skin against skin in the tropical heat. He swallowed hard, beginning to count to one hundred in Abydonian, pulling up visions of the short time he'd had with Sha're what seemed like centuries ago. Anything to take his mind off the scent of Jack filling his nostrils, the way Jack was crowding into his body space. Daniel shifted his weight, moving away a fraction of an inch, and turned his head in another direction hoping Jack would think it was nothing more than an urge to view the sunset.

No such luck. Jack turned to face him, frowning. "You okay, Daniel?"

"Fine," Daniel rushed to reassure him. "I'm fine."

"You seem...off," Jack continued.

"Off?" Daniel relaxed into the familiar routine.

"Off. As in not on."

"Not on." Daniel drew out the words, knowing he was egging Jack on but needing to define the boundaries that circled their friendship. He gave a bitter laugh in his head. Friendship. He needed to settle for that. He'd made that choice before he'd ever ascended. Friendship was what he and Jack had. It didn't matter that Daniel wanted more. Jack didn't. And so he settled for the brief touches, even though there were times when they tore him apart with wishes of what might be. Brief touches he could imagine on his skin when he slept alone in his bed, when he showered at home. Maybe it was wrong to just accept a future devoid of love but it was his choice and he'd made it with his eyes wide open. Jack nudged him with an elbow to his ribs and Daniel smiled at him. He'd gotten better at it over the years.

"Guess it's beddy-bye time for busy archaeologists and linguists," Jack said, placing his hand on Daniel's shoulder and squeezing. "You did good today, Daniel--calming the elders down when things got heated."

"Thank you." Daniel didn't risk taking his eyes from the sunset. Jack's hand was heavy on his skin. Daniel could feel each individual finger, imagining the whorls of fingerprints on the tips, and felt Jack's sweat sinking into his own pores. Despite his efforts, Daniel yawned, the heat, the stress of the day, the self-control he was exerting, all taking their toll.

The room he shared with Jack was cooler than outside. Daniel stripped off his jacket, his boots and socks, and lay down on the straw mats they'd been provided with. With his glasses off, Jack was no more than a blur across the room. An off-key whistling drifted over to him, covering him in a feeling of security and rightness. Maybe he was one of those people destined to go through life with only friends. Daniel watched Jack now, from a safe distance. Only friends--stupid saying, he chided. Being Jack's friend was a blessing he'd never dreamed of all those years ago. And something was better than nothing, Daniel reminded himself. A friendship few found--a deep sense of connectedness. There was a flash of pale skin against the backdrop of the dark space near the lantern. Daniel held his breath, listening for the small sigh Jack always gave when he lay down for his night's sleep. There it was, followed by a soft grunt as Jack turned to get comfortable on the mat.

Daniel closed his eyes. He wasn't sure if the 'good night' he heard was his imagination or not, so he whispered his own back in the darkness.

* * *

Daniel stood before the wall, the weathered rocks covered with glyphs, his head bent as he wrote something in his notebook. Jack watched as a bead of sweat wound its way down the back of Daniel's neck. The skin was slightly reddened and Jack wondered if Daniel had forgotten to put on his sunblock or if they'd been out in the sun so long the lotion had lost its effectiveness.

"Jack?" Daniel's voice was hushed as though he was standing in a holy place. "Come here."

Instantly alert, Jack moved to his friend's side. "Daniel?"

Daniel brushed against Jack's side, his bare arm sticky with sweat. "Look at this." He glanced at Jack; his eyes alight with joy and excitement. There were times Jack wished he could see the alien worlds they traveled to through Daniel's eyes; times he wished he didn't see every new culture they encountered as a possible threat before he saw them as friends and allies, times he wished he could look at a bunch of squiggles on an ancient rock wall and understand that they weren't just squiggles but the history of a people long dead.

Jack raised his hand, touching it to the sun-warmed stone. Daniel held his hand over Jack's, covering it with long, dusty fingers, helping Jack trace the incised glyphs.

"We are the last of our people," Daniel read in a voice that caused goosebumps on Jack's spine despite the heat. His fingers pressed onto Jack's and the colonel silently prayed he wouldn't lose control and take Daniel to the ground. Desire for something he couldn't have causing a regret that burned into his soul. He let the words wash over him, relishing the brief touch of Daniel's fingers over his, a simple touch that meant nothing to his friend but served to remind Jack of what couldn't be.

He was a coward, Jack decided. The nights on Earth when he woke from a dream to find his hand clenched around his cock and Daniel's name on his lips were frequent and Jack's hot water heater didn't have to work too hard to heat water since most of his showers were cold ones. He was a coward because he didn't want to do anything to risk losing Daniel's friendship. Oh there was no fear that Daniel would tell Hammond Jack had propositioned him. Daniel simply wasn't that kind of man. But he knew Daniel would give him one of his sad smiles, tell him he was sorry but he didn't feel the same way and that they could only be friends. So it was easier to say nothing, to not take the risk of being rejected, to do nothing to upset the delicate balance of their friendship. How many people did Daniel bless with his friendship after all? Jack figured he was pretty damn lucky. He had to stop thinking in onlys. Here he was thinking Daniel was only his friend and they had nothing more. He needed to remember that Daniel was his friend and it was far more than he had ever dreamed. He'd had a wonderful life with Sara until the day he'd screwed it up and destroyed their future. Maybe being alone was his punishment from above for allowing his son to die. But maybe just maybe God had taken pity and allowed Daniel to be his friend. Maybe just maybe the glass was half full when all along he'd viewed it as half empty.

"And so we leave this place to search for our new home." Daniel concluded. Jack swallowed hard as Daniel's hand fell away, still able to feel the ghost of touch. They stood in silence and Jack could hear the quiet ebb and flow of Daniel's breathing. He turned his head sideways, grateful for the sunglasses covering his eyes. Daniel was staring at the glyphs, an expression of regret and loss crossing his face as if he'd known the people who'd lived here all those centuries ago. Jack sighed as his radio crackled to life.

"Yeah, Carter," he acknowledged. "Meet you at the gate in an hour." He placed his hand on Daniel's shoulder. "Come on, Daniel. Time to head home."

"Yeah," Daniel said. Jack helped him gather his equipment and they started off on their short trek back to the gate. Daniel turned as they entered the forest and Jack nearly tripped over him at the abrupt movement.

"Jack?"

"Yeah, Daniel?"

"Thank you," Daniel whispered as he gestured towards the ruins.

"No need," Jack said, trying to hide the emotion he felt at the simple words. He looked back at the ruins himself, unable to see the history in them as Daniel did, but remembering those few brief moments of feeling alive when Daniel's skin touched his.

* * *

"Sir? Sir! Are you okay? Can you hear me?" Carter's voice filtered into the dust-filled cave. Jack groaned and inched his hand up to his radio. He didn't feel like opening his eyes yet, afraid of what he'd see.

"Here, Carter." He moved his hand to his ribs as he coughed. "Ah shit."

"Sir? Are you injured?" He could hear the frantic edge to her voice. He wondered what the scene looked like from Carter's and Teal'c's viewpoints. Jack opened his eyes, suddenly afraid he'd gone blind. He moved his hand cautiously to his side and closed it around the flashlight, sighing in relief when pressing the button produced light.

"O'Neill, if you are conscious, you need to answer." Teal'c sounded disgusted and Jack bit back an insane need to laugh. "We need to know the extent of your and DanielJackson's injuries."

"I'm conscious," Jack answered, his mind focusing on the various aches and pains that were making themselves known. His heart slammed into his chest then. Daniel! Where was Daniel? Jack tried to remember their positions before the sound of falling rock had startled them both.

"Daniel?" Jack called. He used the flashlight to sweep the room and when it didn't show him anything from his position, Jack pushed himself up, letting out a groan as he stood.

"O'Neill. Are you there?"

"Same place I've been, Teal'c," Jack muttered into his radio. "What's the situation out there?" He was surprised to find he could move, although each step sent stabbing pain up his legs and back straight into his head. The sight of a large slab of rock covering half of the back of the room made Jack's mouth go dry.

"We're working on moving some of the rocks, sir. It's going to take some time."

Jack slid down against the wall of the cave, Daniel's upturned palm peeking from beneath the slab the only visible sign of his friend. With his own shaking hand, Jack reached out to touch Daniel's wrist, shocked beyond belief when he found a slow steady pulse.

"Carter." Jack had to say her name twice before his voice was audible. "You need to go for help."

"Yes, sir. Is Daniel injured? What's wrong?"

"He's buried under a slab of rock. There's no way that the three of us, even if you could get in here, are going to be able to move it."

"Yes, colonel." He could hear her voice shaking and wished he could give in to the emotion he felt. "Teal'c's going to stay here, sir."

"Understood." Jack clicked the radio off and tightened his fingers around Daniel's. He leaned forward, trying to see if he could catch a glimpse of his friend under the slab.

"Daniel?" Daniel, answer me, damn it." He kept his voice sharp hoping it would cut through to Daniel if indeed the other man was conscious or in any way able to respond. A pulse only meant Daniel was alive, that his heart was beating, it told Jack nothing about his injuries. Jack closed his eyes. He had to believe they would get out of this. He held his breath for a second when he heard a soft groan.

"Daniel?"

"Unnnhh." The fingers on Daniel's hand twitched, curling in towards the palm.

"Daniel, listen to me." Jack got on his stomach, ignoring the pain that shot through his ribs. "Help's gonna be here soon. Can you tell me what's hurt?" He slid his hand into the gap, cursing when he realized he couldn't fit more than a finger or two through.

"Jack?" Daniel's voice was weak. The small crack between the slab and the floor allowing his voice to filter out to Jack. "Blind. Can't see." Jack could hear panic begin to filter in. He took Daniel's hand in his own, the scraped fingers smearing blood on his as they clenched tightly.

"No, no, listen to me, Daniel; you're not blind. We're in a cave, remember?" The fingers relaxed a fraction as Jack continued to speak. "There's been some kind of cave-in."

"Leg," Daniel said, and for a moment Jack didn't know what Daniel meant.

His sluggish brain kicked in then. "Your leg hurts? Can you move it? Is it trapped?"

"Little bit. Move a little bit," Daniel muttered. "Not trapped."

"Good. That's good," Jack called in. He gave a reassuring squeeze to the hand he held only to be answered a few seconds later by a harder one in return. "Daniel?"

"Breathe. Can't breathe." The words floated out in a gasps.

"Yes you can." Jack suspected Daniel finally realized his position. "Keep breathing, damn it. You inhale when I squeeze, exhale when I let go. Understand?" He squeezed Daniel's fingers slowly, and then released them on a slow count of five. He continued the movement until Daniel gave his own squeeze back.

Jack toggled his radio switch. "Teal'c? How long?"

"O'Neill," Teal'c acknowledged. "I estimate it will be an hour until MajorCarter returns with assistance. Until then I will endeavor to continue the excavation."

"Roger," Jack said. He looked at his flashlight and then at the small gap where Daniel's hand came through. "Daniel? Close your eyes." A gentle squeeze was his only answer and Jack slid the flashlight to the gap. He wedged it beside Daniel's hand, hoping a little bit of light could reach Daniel. "Open your eyes," he called.

"Light. There's light," Daniel said.

"Can you give me a better sit rep?" Jack wanted to keep Daniel's mind occupied.

"Rocks. There are rocks holding the slab off of me but there's no way out. It's about three inches above my head. I can't sit up to see anything, Jack." Daniel twisted his hand in Jack's. "Turn it off!"

Jack pulled the flashlight out, his hand shaking. Not one of his better ideas, giving Daniel a glimpse of his tomb. "Sorry, Daniel."

"Okay. I'm okay," Daniel called out.

Jack coughed, his ribs on fire. He hung his head, trying to bring his own breathing under control and then became aware of Daniel tapping his index finger on the back of his hand.

"I'm okay too, Daniel." Jack rushed to reassure his friend. "Little dusty out here, that's all." Daniel's hand relaxed as Jack spoke.

They didn't speak, it seeming to take too much effort at the moment. Jack sent a reassuring squeeze to Daniel every few minutes, waiting anxiously for the pressure to be returned. The cold of the cave began seeping into his bones and he thought longingly of hot showers. He squeezed Daniel's hand once more and waited and waited some more. Jack slipped his fingers to Daniel's wrist. All the brief touches he'd lived for before meant nothing now. All that mattered was the weak beat pulsing against his cold fingers. He needed Daniel, needed his friend in his life.

"Daniel! Answer me!" His voice was hoarse, whether from cold, or dust, or fear, Jack couldn't tell.

"Jack." Daniel's fingers tightened but the grip was far weaker than it had been a few minutes ago. "Here."

"Yeah, I'm here, Danny." Jack moved his mouth as close to the gap as he could, stretching his lean frame prone against the unyielding stone, feeling the coldness settle in his bones, in his gut.

"Want you to know. No time." Daniel's voice was a mere thread now. "I love you."

Jack closed his eyes and rested his head against the cold rock. It was getting too hard to breathe, too hard to fight the cold. He could no longer feel Daniel's hand in his and he regretted the loss of that more than anything else. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair it would end this way when there were still so many things left unsaid. The flashlight flickered out at the same moment Jack gave up his struggle to remain conscious.

* * *

He was warm again. He didn't remember ending up in bed with Jack, but warmth pressed against his side and supported him, just as he had dreamed for years. Daniel cracked one eye open, smiling...and blinked as Sam's features came into view. Teal'c stood to her side, one hand on her shoulder. It wasn't Jack, it was only pillows pressed tight against his body and under his leg. He felt bereft, cheated somehow, even though it had only been a dream. His left hand felt empty, cold, and he realized what was missing.

"Jack?" His voice came out as a croak. How pathetic. He remembered Jack coughing and knowing something was wrong, the long lean fingers wrapped around his seeming far colder than they should. When there was no immediate answer, Daniel tried to sit up.

"O'Neill is asleep," Teal'c said, pressing his hand to Daniel's shoulder and preventing him from moving. "Turn your head to the left."

Daniel obeyed, relieved when he caught sight of his friend sound asleep in the bed next to his. Unable to see any outward sign of injury with his glasses off and his head beginning to pound, he had to turn back to his two uninjured teammates.

"A mild case of hypothermia just like you. A cracked rib, bruises, scrapes, and an upper respiratory infection from the dust." Sam reeled off the injuries with the ease of long practice.

"How long?" Daniel asked, sipping at the water Teal'c held to his lips.

"You have been back on Earth for twenty six hours, DanielJackson," Teal'c said. "It is good to see you awake."

"Awake and alert." Janet Fraiser appeared between his and Jack's bed. "Sam, Teal'c, I'll allow you to visit again tomorrow. Right now, I'm ordering you both to rest." She touched Daniel's wrist, taking his pulse, her fingers at once familiar and alien. He watched as she pursed her lips and then turned his gaze once more towards Jack.

"The colonel is going to recover just fine, Daniel, as will you." She smiled and patted his hand. "But I'd really appreciate if you and he would stop giving me so much business."

Daniel coughed and regretted it as a pain in his chest made itself known. He frowned as a vague memory flitted into his brain, calling Jack's name, saying it was too soon to die. "Janet?"

"Mild hypothermia, a slight concussion, a nice colorful bruise across your chest, and thirty four stitches in your leg." Janet continued watching him, a frown creasing her forehead. "You were quite confused when they brought you home, Daniel. An effect of the hypothermia."

Nodding, Daniel closed his eyes. The words he'd said when he thought he was dying back on the planet weren't any less true; it had only been the situation that loosened his tongue. Jack hadn't been in very good shape at the time either; the words Daniel spoke from the heart probably lost in the pain and confusion of his condition. So things would go back to the way they were. Because Daniel knew he was a coward in matters of the heart.

* * *

The infirmary was quiet, only the soft hush of one of the nurses speaking to a patient in the far corner of the room disturbing the peace. Jack had been awake earlier, grumbling at the nurses, at Janet Fraiser who refused to release him until the next day, and then grumbling at Daniel who found the situation amusing. Daniel let the near silence wash over him, the headache he'd refused medication for earlier was a dull pain. His leg itched, an irritation that kept him awake. The sound of an IV pole being wheeled along the floor and then the sigh as Jack settled on the chair next to Daniel's bed was enough to cause Daniel to slit open his eyes.

"You'd better not let Nurse Adams catch you out of bed." Daniel murmured, too lazy to enunciate clearly. He smiled at Jack's shrug and then immediate wince.

"I'm not afraid of her." Jack said with false bravado. He shifted in the chair, a look of pain crossing his face.

"You okay?" Daniel pushed himself up on the bed, biting back his own groan at strained muscles.

"Did you mean it?" Jack whispered, leaning forward. "On the planet, did you mean it?"

Daniel's mouth went dry, remembering what he thought would be his final moments alive. Decision time, he knew. There'd never been time to talk about those three fateful words until now. Unconsciousness, rescue, and then infirmary. He knew this was the moment. There was a chance this would be the end of their friendship. Daniel doubted they could ever go back to the ways things were before if Jack didn't feel the same way. Jack would say they could still be friends, but Daniel knew in his heart it wouldn't work. So, what should he do? It wasn't fair he had to make an important decision when he was still concussed. But he was tired. He was tired of being alone, tired of hiding feelings. Maybe they wouldn't be able to go back to the way things were before the words had been said, but at least things would be in the open. Daniel was tired of all the lies.

"Yes," he said and listened to the silence once more, almost afraid to breathe.

"I'm glad," Jack whispered, his words hanging in the air between them.

Daniel opened his eyes again and turned to face Jack, seeing the smile, the warmth. Jack reached out, his hand brushing against the back of Daniel's. And for the first time in a long time, touch held a promise of so much more.

  



End file.
